Okay, I took a long (and needed) break. I have been on the livejournal coomunities, and they're so great for support ... I feel like a new person. I am going to keep up on my posting, now. I'm ready. Bring on November!!!

Fat fat fat

Ugh. That time of the month and I want to kill everyone :P! Really, though, I'm bloated I think, and I'm hoping after a week I'll be back to normal and not looking like a total cow ... just when I was starting to fall out of my jeans.

PS ... TWO more days out of 9 to go in my work week.

Some thoughts on progress

Although I fit in my pants and short a bit easier lately and some shirts that used to be embarassing to wear can now go into my normal rotation of what I usually wear, I still feel like a slacker. This working constantly thing is killing my progress. I have to be at work at 2 p.m. and I stay until midnight or 1 a.m., so then I am exhausted and sleep in (and through bike ride time). I have no time to plan a decent meal ... and to top it all off, I have a massive migraine. I'm hoping that if I stay strong this week, it means I canhandle anything :)

On a side note, flirting with one of my co-workers (sort of, he works in another department) was a lot of fun. I was having an extra bad day yesterday and we passed in the empty break room and he pulled me in and gave me a hug.... sigh.

Plan for today:
Starbucks
Before I go: Veggies steamer 100
At work: Salad 300, Veggie steamer 100
When I get home: Hot pocket 300

SO busy

Ugh. So busy. All I have time for is a quick bike ride ... work had been hell but I only have 4 days left ... However, I'm doin pretty good eating-wise. I'll update when I have a sec.

Bleh!

WHy on EARTH did I not ride my bike until today ... I was only able to do half my distance (about 2.5 mi. instead of 5 or so) today because I got too tired, and now I have a massive headache. I'm so frustrated right now.

My pper body is okay, but anywhere below my ribs is fat fat fat. My arms and everything are fine, and from the knee down I could pass for a marathoner, but above the knee to below the ribs is disgusting ... and the only way to fix that is diet and cardio ... argh. I really need to tighten up my diet if I'm going to make this work:

Breakfast:
Shredded wheat -- 200 cals
OR Egg whote omlette with a small amount of cheese -- 100 cals

Lunch and dinner:
Half PB sandwhich and steamed veggies -- 250
OR Steamed veggies and crackers -- 200
OR Steamed veggies and more raw veggies -- 150
OR Small pasta -- 250
OR Tuna -- 150

This is what's in my fridge/cupboard right now. Next time I go grocery shopping, I'llpost a permanent menu somewhere .. but I really need to plan ahead now ... time to man up (lmao)!

Working extra hard

Bad bad bad slipup yesterday, but I doubled my exercise routine today to about 15 miles of biking, so really, I reduced that 1,000 day quite a bit to a reasonable amount. Why did I sin so? The boy took me out after we had a miserable day (Note to self, when depressed, don't let him talk you into food again.) Anyway, we didn't eat all day, so we went out, and I was way too tired to cook. I had a very small plate ... and a pomegranite margarita. OUCH. I needed some serious punishment, so my bike route today was extra long and hilly. That food was SO not worth it.

Stay strong,
Alex.

So I was thinking ....

So I was thinking ...
If I spent half the time preparing food and thinking about food and cleaning up after I make food, I could get a lot more done. I could quit ruining myself inside and out by eating, I could be working on my outward appearance and fix my surroundings like I feel inside! I could clean, do beauty treatments ... every time I think about food! So I made a list of some things I should really be doing besides eating:

1. Whiten my teeth (you can't eat with gel on your teeth)
2. clean my house ... a lot
3. Organize my house
4. exercise! duh!
5. Take long, nourishing baths
6. Hair masks
7. blog!
8. do homework
9. watch beauty shows (America's Next Top Model, Style channel, etc.)

Stay tuned, I'm sure I'll think of some more.

I'm baaack

As you can guess, I've fallen off the wagon a bit since my last post several months ago. Well, I didn't gain anything. I've probably lost about 15 pounds, but hit a plateau. It's nowhere near enough weight, and I am utterly disgusted with myself, but I WILL persevere.

You see, this amazingly hot guy at work is going on vacation next week, at the same time as me. How fab would it be if I were to fast, beginning now, until next week and came back looking great. Besides, aren't you supposed to come back glowing after vacay? Anyway, tomorrow I will eat very little to ease into the fast. I ate one 400-cal pastry today, tomorrow I will eat that in veggies and a few other things, then from Monday on, all veggies. I will try to update every time.

Yesterday sucked

I was sore from overexercising and had a massive migraine. Yuck. I didn't eat much, but it was junk. I only took 2 diet pills instead of my usual 3 or 4, so I'm sure that did no good. However, I had a dream last night about a particularly hot coworker, and I realized why I want this so bad. I want to be thin because thin is loved, thin is wanted, accepted, accomplished. This is the ultimate control. It's the ultimate accomplishment and the best feeling. To know you're attractive instead of doubting.

The truth is the real world doesn't care who you are inside if all they see on the outside is a fatass. They don't care about your brain, your degree, your anything. They will listen when you look like you're in control and smart on the outside. They can't see the inside when it's covered in fat.

Thank you Charley, for your indirect thispiration.

So far so good

*Sigh*
So far so good. Feeling better, not fat. Surprisingly I haven't been hungry. As long as I eat at the right times (evenly spaced small snacks and meals). I feel energized and lighter. It sounds silly because I've MAYBE lost a pound (I don't have a scale), but I can feel it. I've heard during a diet the first few pounds, although not noticeable to others, feels the best because it's the fat in the most awkward places and it's water weight you've been carrying around. I guess this explains how the celebs look thin after a very restricted diet a few days before a big appearance. My face looks better -- not bloated.

I was a bit nervous yesterday after spending some time in the car with the boy ... Our roads here are under construction and my diet pills are under my seat, so I had to talk, make noise or play music to keep him from hearing the constant rattle every time we went over a bumpy patch. ha ha.

Taking the plunge

Damn recovery. It's made me as fat and depressed as ever. I'm healthier, happier and of course skinnier with my eating disorder. I'll first give you a bit of background:
I began my ED in middle school, settling at a comfortable size zero, 103 pounds. Puberty tried to take my body in high school, but I fought it the whole way. Some damaging things happened to me those years, (which I may gain the strength to finally speak about late, but not today) that pushed me over the edge. I got out of control and lost until I was 80 pounds. Collapsing at school of heart failure, I spent most of my senior year in the hospital ... gaining weight. I left the hospital and began college, eventually doubling my body weight.
I've realized recently I have a food addiction, so I really just transferred one extreme (starving) to another (overeating). More miserable than ever, I've made the decision that I'd rather be thin than huge and unhealthy.
You're reading this today because I don't want to go it alone. I want to be myself again. I feel like someone else trapped in another body. My goal? About 100 again. My weapons? A computer, lettuce, water and diet pills ... with a treadmill or two.